Oh yeah, about the apathy

This Sunday marks one year since we started our preview services for The Venue. I remember all the emotions running through me back then, excitement, fear, relief, anger, happiness, frustration, etc. I never thought anyone could feel so much at once. I felt like a baseball player having mood swings from too many roids. It was scary, but we did it and here we are a year later.

Here I am twelve months later and it's just the opposite, as I said before, I don't feel anything. Well, not completely, I mean I still feel love for my family and I still laugh and have a good time when I'm around the people I like. It's just I don't feel excited about anything or inspired by anything (although I did get excited about a plate of chicken fingers I had ordered about a week ago, but alas, they weren't that good).

They told me that this would happen sometimes when you plant a church, but they also told me as the leader that I had to keep myself pumped up even when I didn't feel like it or else it would carry over to the rest of the church. Maybe there is wisdom in that, but it just seems kinda fake to me. I see all these churches where the pastor is always talking about how next week is going to be the best Sunday yet and how stoked they are about ministry and I'm thinking to myself, "Really, always?"

I'm not depressed and I don't feel pessimistic, I'm just kinda numb. It's like, "Okay God, here I am. Now what?" I want to feel moved and inspired again, but I don't want it to be faked or forced just because I'm afraid people will walk away if they saw what was really going on behind the curtain. I want to feel the presence of God again and have that fear that I'm in over my head yet love every moment of it. I want to enjoy this.

I guess it all comes down to the fact that as far back as I can remember I've hated standing still, I've hated waiting, and I've hated not being told what's coming next. The thing is sometimes that's what God wants us to do. I don't like it, but there have been a lot of times in my life where it felt like God just stopped talking and it's always when I needed to hear from Him the most. It might be that He doesn't really care in the way we think He should or maybe it's just that like any parent He knows when it's time to take off the training wheels and let you balance yourself even if it's at the risk of some scraped knees.

The really strange thing to me is that despite all of these feelings, or lack of rather, I feel more self stable and calm than I have in months. The nice thing about not feeling much of anything is that you don't really feel stress either.

Sooner or later I'm sure I'll have one of those awe inspiring moments of divine clarity, but until then I think I'll just write my sermons, go to work, and hang out with the people I like. The great things in life are just like the most awful, they have always hit me when I wasn't looking.

Oh and did I mention how I'm so stoked because next Sunday is going to be the best one yet?