Apathy

So, I've been blogging for a year now. Everyone rejoice!

2007 has been a crazy year. A lot great things have happened this year, but there has been a lot of stress, a lot of wrestling with God, and a lot of chaos. This year feels just like one of the years when I was back in Bible College. It was during those years my faith fell apart, I was over worked, and it felt like God was distant. I never wanted any more years like that, but looking back it was one of the times that shaped who I am.

Right now, I feel Apathetic. I feel like nothing I do can change the way things are and caring about things just leads to pain so why try? I know this sounds dark coming from a pastor, but I've been to this stage before I think it's my way of processing and I don't think it will last forever. So, honestly right now I'm going through the motions I don't feel much anymore, but following God isn't supposed to be based only on emotion right? Either way here I am. We'll see what next year brings.

My kids are going crazy right now so I will finish this thought later...

Boxing Day Eve

My four day weekend is now over. Tomorrow it's back to work, back to writing a message for Sunday, and back to being Mr. Mom at night. It's funny, but I don't dread going back to work tomorrow. Spending time with my family this weekend reminded me of how far God has brought me. Don't get me wrong, it would be nice to be one of those pastors that didn't have to work a regular job and whose wife got to stay at home with the kids, but when I look at the life I came from I can't complain about where I am. I don't know how long I'll be at this job, but for now it's where I am, so I'll make the best of it.

I think Christmas should remind us that God hasn't forgotten us, even if we've forgotten Him. There are still a lot of things I wrestle with and I won't say I have anything figured out, but I've been starting to feel a little of what I was feeling last year at this time. The hope mingled with fear of what the next year will bring. The feeling of being in over my head mixed with the eagerness to change things. The notion that God has let me know He's about to do something, but the confusion as to what.

It sounds crazy, but I really love this. Here's to another year running with scissors.

So This is Chirstmas

Christmas is fun now that Hannah is a little older, Ethan is still amazed by his own feet, but with Hannah it's different. I love hearing her ask me if it's time to open presents yet. I like hearing her own renditions of Christmas carols. I think it's fun to watch her stare at the lights around our neighborhood in fascination. She really seems to be digging this holiday.

By the look of this picture though, it seems she shares her father's thoughts on one aspect of Christmas.

Santa?

Reasons why I've always found it hard to trust Santa Claus:

1. His gloves - The only men that I know that wear white gloves are soldiers and assassins.

2. His Home - This man lives in one of the most secluded areas in the world in a compound with his hired men constantly occupied in his "workshop."

3. His suit - Why is it red? To hide the blood maybe?

4. His hobbies - This is a man that sneaks into peoples' houses while they're asleep with a sack and eats their snack foods and drinks their milk.

5. His social taboos - I was told as a child never to trust a man that wanted me to sit on his lap.

6. His immortality - He's been around before my grandmother was born. How does he live so long? My guess is the blood of the living.

7. His language - Who do you know that says, "Ho Ho Ho" when they laugh? The only people I know besides Santa are pimps.

8. His schedule - What kind of man only comes out on the shortest day of the year and disappears before sunrise. Sounds like a vampire to me.

9. His powers - He sees you when you're sleeping and he knows when you're awake. Be afraid, be very afraid.

10. His fetishes - What type of person wants to put gifts in your socks?

Is There Any Hope?

I feel a little sad today. Kinda like nothing is the way it's supposed to be. I know it has to do with some stuff that is going to go on tomorrow, but everything feels messed up right now. I'm not going back on what I said before, I truly believe that when all is said and done God is going to do something great, but it just sucks knowing that there can be so much darkness between here and there. I know that tomorrow may come and go and everything will be fine, but for how long?

It wouldn't be so bad, but this last half year has been tough. It feels like a part of me died sometime around August and I'm still trying to get it to live again. I might be facing something very huge soon and I don't feel like I have enough strength left to fight anymore. But, I have to fight because there are people who need me and I can't leave them to face these things alone. I'm tired of pretending to be strong. I'm tired of fighting off a thousand demons just to watch ten thousand more coming over the horizon. I want a chance to catch my breath. I want just a little rest.


Yet, I know the darkness can't last forever. I still cling to a grain of hope. I still know I'm right where I'm supposed to be, that's been confirmed to me. There is hope in that. Not much hope, only a fool's hope, yet I'll take it.

I Thought Mark Driscoll Was The Cussing Pastor

Ethan is a Star

My son was in a short film done by our media man, Mike Gomez. If you want to see it you can watch it here. One Warning though, the language is rated "R" so if you aren't comfortable with that sort of thing you might want to watch it with the sound down or something.

In other news there is a lot of dark stuff happening right now that I'm not at liberty to discuss, nor have I got totally figured out. Despite this I have a feeling that God is doing something unseen in the lives of the people of our church, or at least is about to. I know that sounds super spiritual and cheesy as can be, but I know it's the truth. This doesn't mean that bad things aren't coming, I just have the feeling that when all is said and done we'll be standing stronger in the end for it.

In My Head

1. I think I'm getting a head cold.

2. It wasn't fun preaching with a sore throat today.

3. The new church signs look good.

4. Jason preaches next week, this is good I could use a week off.

5. It seems like my weekends used to be more fun.

6. I don't want to go back to work tomorrow.

7. I need a soda.

What Did You Just Say to Me? (Part Two)

Here we go again, a little more spiritual jargon I can do without. Maybe you haven't heard some of these, if so I'm envious. These are saying I've heard from Christians that were probalaly alright the first five hundred times they were said, but like anything, loses its meaning after awhile and just ends up becoming spiritual filler indecipherable to those outside the church and not much more intelligible to those of us within.

1. Servant Leadership - Okay, I know this is a good thing, but could we please come up with a different name since we've driven this one into the ground for the last 20 to 200 years? I think my real problem with this one is that I'm just sick of hearing about leadership. How about we just serve and forget about the leadership part for just a little while. If people start to follow us, then great. If not, oh well, we are still serving. We have somehow put it into peoples' heads that to be a Christian is to be a leader. We get so caught up on wondering if we are leading correctly that we forget that we are suppose to be following someone.

2. Prayer Altar - There is something about using this one that makes you sound more like you've been playing D&D in your mom's basement rather than pastoring a church.

3. Season - Such as, "I'm in a season of...growing, renewal, harvest, etc." Why does everything have to be so poetic to have meaning? Why can't we just say, "I'm getting the crap kicked out of me right now" or "God's really been doing a lot with me right now?" Let's save the poetic words for the occasions when we really have something to say.

4. Beloved - I know I'm loved by the Lord so this term fits, but there is just something that feels weird when a pastor refers to a room full of people as beloved or "belove-ed." How about just , "hey everybody" or "you guys" instead?

John 14

"My peace I give you..."

A funny thing to tell a group of people that are about to go through the worst night of their lives. In the next forty-eight hours their leader would be taken and executed, their expectations of the future crushed, their lives put in jeopardy. One would betray and commit suicide, one would deny and weep bitterly, all save one would abandon their Lord on a day of darkness.

"My peace I give you..."

It didn't really get better after the resurrection and ascension. There where beatings and rejection and imprisonment. Next came the first martyrs, James then Stephen. Ten of the remaining eleven would follow. Those who survived longer than the others dedicated their lives to quelling heresy, facing strife within the church, and contradicting lies. All of them knew hunger, betrayal, loneliness, pain and loss.

"My peace I give you..."

Almost two thousand years have went by since those twelve people first heard these words. Those who call themselves His disciples today know nothing of what those first twelve felt, but the promise is still just as absurd. We still wonder at times why it can't be easier, we still don't understand the master's ways though we ask, we still fail no matter how hard we try, we still find ourselves facing what seems to be impossible tasks and question what we are even doing here in the first place.

"My peace I give you..."

A ridiculous statement. An absurd promise. Only acceptable by a fool. Unless, like His first disciples, you find the faith to believe what he says next:

"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."