Apathy

So, I've been blogging for a year now. Everyone rejoice!

2007 has been a crazy year. A lot great things have happened this year, but there has been a lot of stress, a lot of wrestling with God, and a lot of chaos. This year feels just like one of the years when I was back in Bible College. It was during those years my faith fell apart, I was over worked, and it felt like God was distant. I never wanted any more years like that, but looking back it was one of the times that shaped who I am.

Right now, I feel Apathetic. I feel like nothing I do can change the way things are and caring about things just leads to pain so why try? I know this sounds dark coming from a pastor, but I've been to this stage before I think it's my way of processing and I don't think it will last forever. So, honestly right now I'm going through the motions I don't feel much anymore, but following God isn't supposed to be based only on emotion right? Either way here I am. We'll see what next year brings.

My kids are going crazy right now so I will finish this thought later...

Boxing Day Eve

My four day weekend is now over. Tomorrow it's back to work, back to writing a message for Sunday, and back to being Mr. Mom at night. It's funny, but I don't dread going back to work tomorrow. Spending time with my family this weekend reminded me of how far God has brought me. Don't get me wrong, it would be nice to be one of those pastors that didn't have to work a regular job and whose wife got to stay at home with the kids, but when I look at the life I came from I can't complain about where I am. I don't know how long I'll be at this job, but for now it's where I am, so I'll make the best of it.

I think Christmas should remind us that God hasn't forgotten us, even if we've forgotten Him. There are still a lot of things I wrestle with and I won't say I have anything figured out, but I've been starting to feel a little of what I was feeling last year at this time. The hope mingled with fear of what the next year will bring. The feeling of being in over my head mixed with the eagerness to change things. The notion that God has let me know He's about to do something, but the confusion as to what.

It sounds crazy, but I really love this. Here's to another year running with scissors.

So This is Chirstmas

Christmas is fun now that Hannah is a little older, Ethan is still amazed by his own feet, but with Hannah it's different. I love hearing her ask me if it's time to open presents yet. I like hearing her own renditions of Christmas carols. I think it's fun to watch her stare at the lights around our neighborhood in fascination. She really seems to be digging this holiday.

By the look of this picture though, it seems she shares her father's thoughts on one aspect of Christmas.

Santa?

Reasons why I've always found it hard to trust Santa Claus:

1. His gloves - The only men that I know that wear white gloves are soldiers and assassins.

2. His Home - This man lives in one of the most secluded areas in the world in a compound with his hired men constantly occupied in his "workshop."

3. His suit - Why is it red? To hide the blood maybe?

4. His hobbies - This is a man that sneaks into peoples' houses while they're asleep with a sack and eats their snack foods and drinks their milk.

5. His social taboos - I was told as a child never to trust a man that wanted me to sit on his lap.

6. His immortality - He's been around before my grandmother was born. How does he live so long? My guess is the blood of the living.

7. His language - Who do you know that says, "Ho Ho Ho" when they laugh? The only people I know besides Santa are pimps.

8. His schedule - What kind of man only comes out on the shortest day of the year and disappears before sunrise. Sounds like a vampire to me.

9. His powers - He sees you when you're sleeping and he knows when you're awake. Be afraid, be very afraid.

10. His fetishes - What type of person wants to put gifts in your socks?

Is There Any Hope?

I feel a little sad today. Kinda like nothing is the way it's supposed to be. I know it has to do with some stuff that is going to go on tomorrow, but everything feels messed up right now. I'm not going back on what I said before, I truly believe that when all is said and done God is going to do something great, but it just sucks knowing that there can be so much darkness between here and there. I know that tomorrow may come and go and everything will be fine, but for how long?

It wouldn't be so bad, but this last half year has been tough. It feels like a part of me died sometime around August and I'm still trying to get it to live again. I might be facing something very huge soon and I don't feel like I have enough strength left to fight anymore. But, I have to fight because there are people who need me and I can't leave them to face these things alone. I'm tired of pretending to be strong. I'm tired of fighting off a thousand demons just to watch ten thousand more coming over the horizon. I want a chance to catch my breath. I want just a little rest.


Yet, I know the darkness can't last forever. I still cling to a grain of hope. I still know I'm right where I'm supposed to be, that's been confirmed to me. There is hope in that. Not much hope, only a fool's hope, yet I'll take it.

I Thought Mark Driscoll Was The Cussing Pastor

Ethan is a Star

My son was in a short film done by our media man, Mike Gomez. If you want to see it you can watch it here. One Warning though, the language is rated "R" so if you aren't comfortable with that sort of thing you might want to watch it with the sound down or something.

In other news there is a lot of dark stuff happening right now that I'm not at liberty to discuss, nor have I got totally figured out. Despite this I have a feeling that God is doing something unseen in the lives of the people of our church, or at least is about to. I know that sounds super spiritual and cheesy as can be, but I know it's the truth. This doesn't mean that bad things aren't coming, I just have the feeling that when all is said and done we'll be standing stronger in the end for it.

In My Head

1. I think I'm getting a head cold.

2. It wasn't fun preaching with a sore throat today.

3. The new church signs look good.

4. Jason preaches next week, this is good I could use a week off.

5. It seems like my weekends used to be more fun.

6. I don't want to go back to work tomorrow.

7. I need a soda.

What Did You Just Say to Me? (Part Two)

Here we go again, a little more spiritual jargon I can do without. Maybe you haven't heard some of these, if so I'm envious. These are saying I've heard from Christians that were probalaly alright the first five hundred times they were said, but like anything, loses its meaning after awhile and just ends up becoming spiritual filler indecipherable to those outside the church and not much more intelligible to those of us within.

1. Servant Leadership - Okay, I know this is a good thing, but could we please come up with a different name since we've driven this one into the ground for the last 20 to 200 years? I think my real problem with this one is that I'm just sick of hearing about leadership. How about we just serve and forget about the leadership part for just a little while. If people start to follow us, then great. If not, oh well, we are still serving. We have somehow put it into peoples' heads that to be a Christian is to be a leader. We get so caught up on wondering if we are leading correctly that we forget that we are suppose to be following someone.

2. Prayer Altar - There is something about using this one that makes you sound more like you've been playing D&D in your mom's basement rather than pastoring a church.

3. Season - Such as, "I'm in a season of...growing, renewal, harvest, etc." Why does everything have to be so poetic to have meaning? Why can't we just say, "I'm getting the crap kicked out of me right now" or "God's really been doing a lot with me right now?" Let's save the poetic words for the occasions when we really have something to say.

4. Beloved - I know I'm loved by the Lord so this term fits, but there is just something that feels weird when a pastor refers to a room full of people as beloved or "belove-ed." How about just , "hey everybody" or "you guys" instead?

John 14

"My peace I give you..."

A funny thing to tell a group of people that are about to go through the worst night of their lives. In the next forty-eight hours their leader would be taken and executed, their expectations of the future crushed, their lives put in jeopardy. One would betray and commit suicide, one would deny and weep bitterly, all save one would abandon their Lord on a day of darkness.

"My peace I give you..."

It didn't really get better after the resurrection and ascension. There where beatings and rejection and imprisonment. Next came the first martyrs, James then Stephen. Ten of the remaining eleven would follow. Those who survived longer than the others dedicated their lives to quelling heresy, facing strife within the church, and contradicting lies. All of them knew hunger, betrayal, loneliness, pain and loss.

"My peace I give you..."

Almost two thousand years have went by since those twelve people first heard these words. Those who call themselves His disciples today know nothing of what those first twelve felt, but the promise is still just as absurd. We still wonder at times why it can't be easier, we still don't understand the master's ways though we ask, we still fail no matter how hard we try, we still find ourselves facing what seems to be impossible tasks and question what we are even doing here in the first place.

"My peace I give you..."

A ridiculous statement. An absurd promise. Only acceptable by a fool. Unless, like His first disciples, you find the faith to believe what he says next:

"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Going Through My Mind

1. Why is no one paying me for my good looks right now?

2. I really need to get my Sunday message done soon.

3. My kids are really cute.

4. Why don't my kids look like me?

5. I need to finish that paper I started two days ago.

6. I hope the new church signs come out okay.

7. Why do I always want to fix things that I don't know how to fix?

8. I'm hungry.

9. Why don't the Chiefs like to win football games?

10. My friends are going to have a baby (Tyson and Bekah not Mike and Doug).

11. Would it be so bad if God told me what was going on sometimes?

12. Where did I leave my soda?

Wish I Knew How to Quit You

Complicated Question (At Least I Made It That Way)

So, a couple weeks ago Linda hit me with the question, "What would Jesus say to you?" I said I'd eventually get around to answering it, but to be completely truthful, I don't know.

Honestly, it's a dangerous question. There is a temptation to say what you would like to believe Jesus would say and not what He really would. If you perceive yourself as doing what He wants or on the edge of His will you might answer something like, "Well done, good and faithful servant." If you see yourself as unworthy or falling short you may answer to the effect of, "Repent and return to your first love." The anxious might say, "My peace I give to you." The lonely, "I will never leave you or forsake you." You get the idea.

Maybe this isn't always a bad thing though. Doesn't the way we respond to people change at times due to the mood they are in? Don't we say comforting things to our loved ones when they are depressed? Aren't we more likely to laugh with someone who is happy? Maybe people think they hear certain things from God at times because those are the things they need to hear right then and if those are the things they need to hear wouldn't that be what God would say?

The danger comes when a person tells themselves things that God wouldn't say. A prideful person may believe that God would justify their pride. A self loathing person may think God would have only negative to say to them.

It all comes down to the question we all face when we believe we've heard from God, "Was that God or just me?" The answer might sometimes be both.

So, I've managed to ramble on for a full page without answering the question. As I said before, I don't know, but if I had to take a guess right now I'd say it would probably be something like, "Do you love me more than these?"

It might be time to feed the sheep.

Sick

So, its what I get for talking about how I hardly ever get sick, but last night Hannah and I came down with what the rest of the family had been suffering through. I got about three hours total sleep last night and now that I finally feel like I'm getting over it, I feel a little feverish. I'm scared I'm coming down with what Bekah had now.

Thank God that it was Bekah's turn to preach today, I would have tried to get my way through it if I had too, but I don't know how it would've turned out. I all most didn't go to church at all today, but the Sundays that I'm off are the only times I really get to just sit a listen to a message, so that combined with the fact I didn't want to leave everyone one man short on the whole set up break down thing got me in the door today.

I'm going to lay around and do nothing the rest of the day, in hopes that I feel better by work tomorrow. Why is it I never get sick on a fun day to do nothing, like Wednesday?

Mike Came Out

Okay, here it is. Mike Gomez, our friend who prides himself on his taste in music and entertainment, is taking his girlfriend to see Donny Osmond. Nuff said.

Sick, Sick, Sick

Everyone around me is getting sick! It started with Bekah getting a cold earlier this week. Then, Ethan started getting a fever and have insane bouts of diarrhea (I think it has to do with him cutting two teeth). Yesterday, Bekah started feeling a little warm and it eventually turned into a fever. Last, night Autumn came home and spent a good amount of the night puking her brains out.

I was wrestling with the idea of staying home today, but I'd already missed a bit of work this week (dental appointment and taking Autumn to get some lab work), so I decided to go ahead and go. When I got to Bekah's it was no surprise to me that she had decided to stay home today, I was actually impressed she made it through yesterday with as bad as she felt. When she asked me if Autumn would be home in case she needed the car to go to the doctor, I suddenly got picture in my mind of my son, my wife, and my friend all sick in the car together trying to get to the doctor's office, it was slightly amusing.

I decided that I should stay home. This way Bekah has her car if she needs it, I can take care of the kids for Autumn while she sleeps and if any of the three of them get really bad there will be one healthy person around to take them somewhere. Plus, I get some time to work on classwork.

For some strange reason, I barely ever get sick even when I'm around people who are all the time. I think it has something to do with being raised in such a horrible environment as a kid. My immune system got an extra boost in my early years. Either way, if I do happen to pick up something up, it'll be fine with me. I have over a week of paid time off and sleeping in doesn't sound all that bad.

In other news, I might do a second post today. I have some great news about Mike, but my kids need tending to at the moment.

A Father's Advice (Part Two)

Ethan,

I have more bad news. One day some girl will break your heart. I'd like to tell you it might not happen to you, or that if you did everything right you could prevent it. The truth is, I don't think I know a single person who has made it to their mid twenties unscathed. It's just one of those things that is part of life, like old age or paper cuts.

It happened to me when I was eighteen. It feels like you can't breathe, like a major part of you is suddenly missing. It's an ache that you can't place, one that leaves you feeling awkward inside. It's something like paranoia mingled with depression. You want to just sleep, but you can't. You want to think about something else, but you can't. Every day things like eating, getting dressed, or talking become chores. You forget how to laugh. Most of all it feels like the world will never be right again. Something to look forward to, right?

The only way I know how to prevent it is to love absolutely nothing except yourself. C. S. Lewis said that to love anything is to be venerable and the only way to protect your heart from being broken is to bury it in the coffin of your selfishness. Sadly, this is what many people who have their hearts broken choose to do. They may continue to date and eventually marry, but they will never allow themselves to love anyone fully again because they fear the pain.

To be honest I don't want to spare you the pain of heartbreak, because to feel it you must have truly loved someone. What I wish for you is that when heartbreak does occur you take the time to let your heart mend and then use the experience as a reference point for the next time you find yourself falling for someone.

I don't know much more about women other than they smell good and somehow they manage to make men act like idiots, but I do know that there are two types. There are the women that are worth having your heart broken for and there are the ones that are not. If you find yourself with a woman who is not, get away from her for it'll be no great loss. If you find yourself with a women who is worth the risk of feeling all that pain again, then love her with the recklessness with which God loves you. It is no guarantee that she won't break your heart again, but take courage in the fact that there is a word for those who never feel pain. Dead.

A Father's Advice (Part One)

It was a really good concert tonight. I don't know what it is about going to shows, but I seem to always find myself staying up and thinking about things afterwards.

Bekah's mom tagged me with a very good question about what Jesus would say to me and I plan on answering it in one of my next few posts, but it got me thinking about something else. I was thinking about what advice a father would give to his son and that started making me think about what advice I'd leave for mine. So, sitting here in front of my computer in the dark with the echo of the amplifiers still ringing in my head I started reflecting on all the things about being a man I had to learn the hard way, the things I wish I would have had a father to teach me. I realized that this would take more than one post, but why not start with one tonight?

So here it is. My advice to my son part one:

Ethan,

There will come many times in your life where you will be called on to stand against someone or something bigger and stronger than yourself. It may be to defend yourself, to defend someone you care about, or to defend what is right. When these times occur you will always find yourself facing two choices. You can run and hide, or you can stand and fight. The first option will be the most tempting for they are the easiest, not easy mind you, just the easiest. The reason for this is that the second option holds the definite possibility that you may lose and losing a fight is painful, both physically as well as emotionally. The first option is safe, the second is down right dangerous.

Listen to me carefully Ethan, choose the second. You don't have to win, but you do need to fight. Fight and if you lose pick yourself up and get ready to fight again the next day, and the next, and the next. Don't run and don't hide, your problems will only increase and you will be less ready to handle them the next time they show up. No one wants to mess with someone who is willing to fight them everyday if they have to. Remember, a dog can take a skunk in a fight, but it's just not worth it.

Excuse my language, but the problem with many people is that the are afraid of getting their asses kicked. Maybe they've gotten beat down once before and decided that they'd rather run and hide than go through that ever again (And don't think I'm talking only about physical fights). As bad as losing seems though, running is always worse. I spent the first half of my life running from my problems and the second half standing up to them, getting beat down, and getting back up. I prefer the latter by far.

Ethan, there will be times when locking yourself away in a dark corner of your room and hiding from everything that wants to hurt you will be tempting. Don't give in. As hard as it will be to believe sometimes, the world needs you and as much as your pride will deny it at times, you need the world as well.

In short, do your best to fear God alone, the rest will work itself out.

Like Brand New

Tomorrow I head off to see Brand New for the second time this year. This time they are playing with Thrice, so it should be a pretty great show. I saw them last April with the Manchester Orchestra, it was a really fun night.

As for tonight, I plan on indulging in some wholesome goodness I like to call The Office.

There's Crack in the Coffee!

I've gone over a week now with very little soda. Anyone who knows me knows that I can put away Pepsi like it's nobody's business, but things were getting a little out of hand so I decided to take a partial fast from soda for a little while. I've cut back to 16oz a day Friday through Sunday and none on the rest of the week. After a few more weeks I plan to move up to one can a day and stay there for a good while.

Anyway, today I decided I needed a little caffeine to get me going so I got a grande latte from Starbucks. As I said before I drink a lot of soda, so I can put the caffeine away like no one else, but there is something about Starbucks that is too much even for me. I think they put enough caffeine in those things to momentary wake the dead. Add this to the fact that I've been working off very little caffeine for the last week and a half and you have one jittery man on your hands.
I thought I was going to go nuts staying in my seat all day. My mind kept switching train of thoughts on me and I felt like I was talking slightly fast.

It's ten hours later and I'm starting to come down. Maybe I'll opt for decaf next time.

A Year?

It's now been one year since the church planning meeting started. It's strange to think about everything that has happened in the last twelve months, where we were then and where we are now. I swear it doesn't feel like it's been a year yet.

I recently went back and read my old blogs from the last year. If nothing else I think blogging has been good for me in the way it gives me a record to look back and see where I've been and the things that were going through my head at peculiar points in the past. I have a habit of forgetting what God has done and what He has given me, writing these random thoughts down looks like it might prove to be a good tool to fix this (at least a little). I guess a journal would serve the same purpose, but blogging is a little more manly.

I've been slacking off a bit on the whole thing, but I'm going to try to become a little more regular. I think it's good for me even if it might be for my readers.

Staying Alive

Things I've learned from watching horror movies:

1. Any time you hear a strange noise coming from the basement and ask, "Jim is that you?" If Jim doesn't answer it's not him and it's probably not a good idea to go down there.

2. If you are an attractive and intelligent women your chances of survival are high. If you are only an attractive women your chances of being murdered first are high. If you are only an intelligent man you don't have a prayer.

3. Before going on a weekend outing to a secluded lake where many teenagers have been murdered years before you should probably have your car serviced, as they have a terrible time starting when you are being chased by homicidal maniacs.

4. Whenever one of your friends says, "We should split up." don't listen, that person is crazy and should be sent off by themselves because their stupidity is a danger to everyone.

5. When killing any type of monster, beast, or deranged killer make sure they are dead. I don't care if you shot it in the heart, stabbed it through the head, or ran over it with a train, until you cut it into little pieces and burn it to ash there is always a chance of it getting back up.

6. Never go back for a dog, cat, or even a kid. The only reason these things are around is so more people can get killed looking for them. If they turn up missing while something is on the loose killing people the best thing to do is get to the next country as soon as possible and wait for them to turn up later.

7. If the thing coming after you moves very slow such as a zombie, don't run, power walk. If you run from something slower than you, you will always fall down and for some reason not be able to get up fast enough before said thing catches up with you. It's better to travel at a moderate pace and keep it safe.

8. It's true, if you have premarital sex in a horror movie you'll die. If you are newly weds and have sex you'll still die (Not enough time has passed). If you want to have sex but no one will let you, you die (I think it makes you look perverted). The only people in horror movies aloud to have sex and live are couples that have been married a good number of years (Nobody cares what they're doing).

9. Killers will always use the strangest things for weapons but never firearms. You can leave all the rifles and handguns laying out if there is a psycho killer around, but make sure you lock up all the garden tools, home improvement items and the ice cream scooper.

10. If you suspect you might be in a horror movie never take a shower, look in a mirror, go in the attic, check the fuse box, pull sheets off furniture, or open a door behind which you heard strange sounds. None of these things are known to turn out well for the parties involved.

Who's Your Target?

Psalm of Thanksgiving

I heard from God last night. Not in the super spiritual Old Testament way where God spoke to me through a burning house plant or anything. But, not in the cliche, "This passage in the Bible spoke to me" way either. It was more like an, "Hey idiot, open your eyes and look at what this really is" type thing. To put it in a more common way, a light bulb came on, I had an epiphany, or a moment of clarity if you will.

The last time I felt like God was telling me something, was probably well over a year ago. "What," you say, "Isn't God suppose to speak to the pastor every week as he prepares his sermons?" If so I've been missing the call lately. The strange thing is it didn't come while I was praying or trying to spend time alone with God. It hit me while I was checking the score of last night's football game.

I felt good today, better than I have in awhile. This doesn't mean that everything is going to be easy from this point on, but I now thing I see my place in where I am right now. It's not much, but it's just enough. Last night I realized I'm a pastor, maybe not a very good one, but one of God's and that means a lot.

Thank you to whoever prayed for me, I know someone must have.

Thank you to Cris Elrod for reminding me that the enemy only attacks what he fears.

Thank you to God Almighty, for never giving up on me, the least of his servants.

Okay, let's do what we've been put here for...

Complaint Psalm

I was forgotten about today.

I was warned about how lonely you can feel as a pastor, but I never thought that it would happen to me. I thought I was too surrounded by people, too emotionally strong, maybe even too blessed by God. Long story short, I was wrong.

I remember feeling it come on for the first time months ago. It was the time my wife went back to work after having the baby. I was left with the two kids at night and that with the new job and the new church started to weigh on me. I remember standing in my friends' kitchen trying to explain what was going on with me and how difficult it had became for me to preach. They told me I wasn't by myself, they told me my preaching was fine, I got a hug. I started to feel better.

Tonight wasn't a big deal, and I know it's irrational for me to be sad about it, but isn't that the way demons work, whispering irrational things into your ears until the little things add up to a crushing weight?

I have found myself:

preaching community, yet feeling alone

teaching people to overcome sin, while I struggled with my own

trying to help people understand God, as I wrestle with Him myself

urging people to pray, although I cry out to God unanswered every night

The whole thing reeks of irony, or maybe just hypocrisy.

Either way, this is not self-pity, although I'm sure it sounds that way. I know I'll get through this the way I've been brought through dark places before.

I just want to give a warning to those of you in the beginning processes of planting a church. This has been one of the best things I've ever done , yet it has also been one of the darkest. Don't do this unless you know you've been called. If you have been called, God help you.

As for me, Though He slay me...

Proof You Shouldn't Mix Two Things You Love

Something To Put In My Ear

I have been in a new music drought for about three months now. I used to always have a new song or two that I'd be playing over and over again while working at my computer, but I've been relying on old stuff for a little to long now. So, over the next few days I'm going in search for new music, not necessarily brand new, but at least stuff I haven't heard or took the time to appreciate before. I'll bring back my results soon. Pray for me.

Good

Church was good today even though I don't know why. On the outside it didn't look any different than any other Sunday, but it felt different to me. The last few months have kinda been an emotional roller coaster for me. I've went back and forth from feeling feeling down to feeling hopeful. Lately though, I've been feeling good, not hopeful really because that implies I'm looking forward to something and I'm not at the moment, but just happy to be doing what I'm doing with the people I'm doing it with and not caring so much about the rest.

Not everything is the way I want it right now, but I do believe God's doing things and that's enough for the time being. Maybe everything will change by next Sunday, but for right now I'm enjoying this.

Memento Mori

Today, at lunch with Bekah, I was complaining about the way a certain group of church leaders had conducted their ministries. Yeah, I know, judging another man's servant and all, I take the rebuke. Anyway, when I was done Bekah looks at me and says, "They'll be dead one day." It's a good thing I wasn't drinking my soda at the time or I would have spit it out from laughing so hard. Anyone who knows Bekah only a little bit would never believe that she would joke like this, but those of us that know her better get to see that her humor isn't as far off from the rest of our group as she would let people think.

The thing is, it made me think about the truth to what she said. We will all be dead one day, the things that bother and worry us now won't matter so much then. There is a Latin phrase that goes memento mori. Roughly it means, "Remember that you will die." Early Christians used to use it to remind themselves that if something doesn't matter after death then most likely it just doesn't matter at all.

I'm not proposing a world view that only sets it's sights on heaven and ignores the injustice and suffering on earth, on the contrary, if we take this phrase the way it's meant to be understood, then suffering and injustice become one of the things that do matter, but only in the way they effect eternity. Thus our own suffering means less and that of others means more.

Sometimes I get so caught up in the things around me I forget that one day a lot of this isn't going to matter. At the funeral last week, I got a glimpse of what you leave after you're gone. The lives you've touched whether for good or bad, and the people that you loved as well as those who have loved you.

All this may sound random, but I'm still in the process mode with this thing so forgive me if I regress.

In other news, I'm going to be adding another blog to my links section. My beautiful wife has started a blog called, Autumn's Daily Tidbits. She's an awesome woman, but please don't take the things she says about me too seriously. It should be up tonight sometime, but right now my kids want me to take them for a walk.

Top Five Romantic Movies Of All Time

Some men are afraid to show that they have a softer side, but not me. I'm so completely secure in my manhood that I'm totally comfortable letting my sensitive side show. Why just this afternoon I was thinking about poetry as I was fighting a man with one hand while using the other to tap a keg all while growing a beard. In order to give you an example of this I have composed a list of the most romantic movies of all time. Who says I don't like chick flicks?


1. The Empire Strikes Back - Han knows Leia wants him. Leia knows she wants him. She tries to deny her feelings, but after seeing how awesome he is at flying through asteroid belts and escaping giant space slugs she can hide her true feelings no longer.


2. Braveheart - This guy loved his wife so much that he killed 3,000 Englishmen to avenge her death before hooking up with the queen of England for a one night stand.


3. Rocky - Rocky proved that if a girl won't talk to you, you should keep coming into her work everyday stalking her while telling her strange stories and dumb jokes until you can get her brother to trick her into going on a date with you. For said date, take her to an ice staking rink after hours and then pressure her to come back to your rundown apartment where you can strip down to a wife beater, take off her glasses and call her pretty. Do this and she yours for the rest of the movie and most of the sequels to follow.


4. Love Actually - Yeah...I just kinda like this one. Let's not talk about it.


5. 28 Days Later - True love is running around outside in the rain without any shirt or shoes on, trying to avoid being eaten by zombies, while taking on a platoon of solders set on rape, to save a woman you met three day earlier.

Storyteller

Today, I'm off work so I can go to a funeral for a friend from back in the day. I'm probably going to see some people I haven't seen in awhile. They'll probably be a lot of memories brought up from the past about all the things Fatty used to do. So here are my two:

1. I remember the time Fatty was me, Steven, Tyson, and Kenneth on how we weren't as tough as we thought. He challenged all of us to fight him at once, the four of us verses him and a flimsy piece of PVC pipe. We all jumped him at once, I remember that I got him in a headlock. He broke the pipe over Kenneth's back and stabbed me in the wrist with the jagged piece to make me let go. Needless to say, I did. We broke even that day, but I remember thinking that Fatty was one of the toughest guys I knew.


2. My other memory is from walking with him down the street one day, this time he was lechering us on how the four of us needed to calm down and stop being so crazy. We told him that we weren't that bad and right at that moment a truck went blazing by us, and a man that looked like he'd hadn't been sober since Vietnam screamed to us, "FIGHT ON, WHITE BOYS!" Fatty just hanged his head.


Fatty was right though, we did need to calm down. Fortunately, a couple of years later I found out about Jesus, and whereas calmed down might not be the right words, my life did change for the better. Today while remembering the past I'll be reminded what my future could have been.

It was good knowing you, Fatty.

Oh Yes

This Makes Me Happy For Some Reason

Why

My daughter has learned the word that every parent dreads, "why." She has started asking me why after everything I tell her. It's not as cute as it looks to outsiders. I think I'm going to hurt the kid that taught her that word.

I remember once hearing someone say that religion and science should complement one another because it is the job of science to tell us how everything happened, but it is the job of religion to tell us why it all happened. I think there is a lot of truth in this, because I find that much of my job as a pastor is trying to explain the "why" to people. Why they lost loved ones. Why there is pain in the world. Why God wants them to love each other. Just why.

The problem is, that for every why I can answer there are about ten thousand I can't. When I was a new believer they told me that all the answers were in the bible if I'd just look hard enough. Now that I'm older I know that's a load of crap. Anyone who would tell you that hasn't read their bible well enough. I believe it has all the answers that God feels we need for now, but as you read it you find it's full of people that didn't always understand the "whys" either.

As I was reading The Psalms for today's sermon, I realized that even if you don't know the reasons why, sometimes it's just enough to know that there is a reason. I think I've learned this in my own life. I'm not really a person that labels everything that happens in life as God's Will, but I believe that there are reasons for certain things in my life. I believe there is a reason why we planted the church where we did even if I don't know what it is. I believe there is a reason why I work where I do for now, even if I'm not sure why. I even believe there is a reason for the pain that comes into peoples' lives, even if I don't have any answers for them.

Just like my daughter, sometimes we have to be okay with not having our whys answered, but rather just trust that our father knows what he's doing even when it doesn't look like it.

10 Things I Love About You

Tomorrow marks nine years of marriage for me and Autumn. We started dating when we were seventeen. She's the first woman I ever fell in love with, my high school sweetheart, the mother of my children, and a better wife than I deserve. In her honor, I'd like to make a list of all the things I love about her, but I'd be up all night writing. So, for the sake of me getting up for work tomorrow, here are the first ten that come to mind:

1. She's one of those rare girls who are incredibly beautiful, but don't seem to realize it. Sometimes I wish she could see herself through my eyes just for a moment, so she could see how stunning and breathtaking she really is.

2. She's an awesome mother. Some women sacrifice their careers for their children, my wife works a job that is beneath her at night so she can spend her days with our kids.

3. She is one of the strongest people emotionally that I have ever met. She has the ability to love people with everything in her without worrying about being hurt. I often tease her about how open she is with her emotions, but the truth is it is among her greatest strengths.

4. She has an unshakable faith. For all my knowledge of hermeneutics, Greek, and Hebrew she can still put me to shame with simple observations about how God is working in our lives.

5. She loves my friends. I know women who don't like their husband's friends. I know women who simply tolerate their husband's friends. My wife adopted my friends as her own. She hangs out with them, laughs with them, and looks forward to being with them. I've seldom had to worry about how I divide my time between her and them.

6. She fits nicely in my arms.

7. She's brave in ways I can barely imagine. She followed me to through ministry, into California and back, and through planting a church. There's been times where we've been so poor we didn't know how we were going to make rent or buy food. I've watched her go back to school, give birth to two children, and sit with her mom through the final stages of cancer. Through all of this, I've never seen fear get the better of her or stop her from doing anything that she knew had to be done.

8. She thinks of others more than herself.

9. I've always found her interesting. When we were first dating she would tell me the same stories over and over again, but I'd never tell her because I just liked to hear her talk. Even when we weren't saying anything to each other I loved just being around her. After twelve years together the passion has calmed down a bit, but I still find myself enjoying those same stories or just watching her from time to time, as fascinated now as I was back then.

10. She is one of the few people I know that can make a bad day better just by smiling at me.

Another Week Down

Church went pretty well today. Here's the quick recap from this week:

1. My sermon still felt off today, not as bad as last week, but still off. A friend of mine that was visiting today said the message was just what he needed today, though, so I guess the lesson is that God still uses us even when we feel off.

2. Despite feeling off, I think a little of my passion is coming back for preaching. Maybe, my sermon was for me today too.

3. Jason went to Arizona this week to watch his Seahawks get beat. I'm really thankful that we have the ability to lose our worship leader for a Sunday and still have great music. I know of a lot of churches much bigger than us that are screwed whenever a couple members of their worship team go out of town.

4. Speaking of Bekah, her and Tyson have big news. Check out her blog for more details.

5. I got accepted to start a program to finish up getting my teaching credential. It will take me awhile to finish, but it feels good to be doing something that takes brain power again.

6. I bought a new printer, I think I'm going to pull an Office Space move on the old one. If you don't know what I mean, just go watch the movie.

7. My wife is hot.

8. I've lost my faith in the Kansas City Chiefs.

9. I'm hot.

10. I'm almost two months behind in my church reports.

11. I've got to get a sermon ready for next week then I get a week off.

12. I need to put together a bookcase.

13. I'm going to go watch TV now.

Trust Me I'm A Professional

The people at the pharmacy are going to have to manage without me today. I'm taking the day off to substitute teach. I'm not going back to it full-time, I think once or twice a month is enough, but I want to have a little bit of classroom time every once and awhile as I'm working on getting my teaching credential. I figure if I'm going to be bi-vocational for awhile, I might as well be doing something that feels worthwhile, not to mention pays more.

So, it's off to teach 45 fifth graders a thing or two, or at least keep them alive until their teacher gets back. I hope I still got it after all these months. I'll let you know how it goes.

It's A Small World After All

Reasons why I think the airport is like Disneyland:

1. It's filled with people from all over the world on holiday.
2. It cost me $4 to buy a coke there.
3. You spend more time in line waiting for the ride than on the ride itself.
4. Your feet hurt from all the walking by time you're done.
5. The parking lot is the size of a small third world country.
6. No one wants to be there alone.
7. When you finally get to take your seat someone is there to show you how to use a seat belt in case you forgot since the car ride there.
8. Most of the workers look like they want to kill themselves.
9. You pay a lot of money for a ride that eventually brings you right back to the place where you were.
10. You have a feeling that the whole thing is ran by a giant rat.

Sermon Block

Today was a good day. I got off work early so I could take Bekah to the airport and then I went over to Tyson's and watched the first football game of the seasons. So far I have a perfect record for this season's football pool.

I'm having major sermon block for Sunday right now though. I want to finish out the book of Ruth and I think I'm going to be going with the idea of redemption, but I don't really have anything as of yet. I want to convey the idea of God giving back what has been lost or taken from us, but right now my mind isn't coming up with the examples or words to do the job.

I'm sure it'll come to me before Sunday, but it's just nice when everything is ready to go a few days early. Too bad that seldom happens.

Misc. Stuff

1. Today is Hannah's third birthday. This means she'll be able to get a job soon and start pulling her weight around here.

2. Autumn and Bekah are at the day spa right now. I asked Autumn what she wanted for an anniversary present and she opted for some relaxation. In three weeks we will have been married nine years. I don't think she knew what she was getting herself into when she said, "I do."

3. One of our monitors went out on Sunday. We spent the extra money and went for powered monitors thinking it would be less hassle for set=up and tear-down, but the amps inside them are very susceptible to damage when being moved around. We'll have to think about what we're going to replace them with.

4. Last night Tyson, Bekah, Jason Autumn, and I played Monopoly until 11pm. I actually had a lot of fun even though I finished dead last. I swear, I owned as much property in the game as I do in real life.

5. I think I'm going to grill up some hot dogs and hamburgers today seeing how it's Labor Day and all.

6. I think I'm going to take some online classes to finish getting my teaching certificate. I don't plan on taking a salary from the church anytime soon and the idea of a job that gives me three months off a year seems kinda nice.

7. Ethan misses his mommy right now and he's making sure I know about.

No Condemnation

We talk a lot about forgiveness in the church, but it's easy to preach of it and listen about it and not truly grasp what it is to be forgiven. I don't think you can fully understand the worth of forgiveness until you find yourself looking into the darkness of your own heart, realizing how unworthy you are of receiving anything other than the consequences of your own selfish actions and coming to terms with the fact that the only thing that can save you from sinking forever into the black mire that is made of your own mistakes is the undeserved mercy and grace given by the one you've betrayed.

It is then that you can begin to understand what it means to stare at discarded stones and hear the words, "Go and sin no more." It is then that you begin to feel what Peter must have felt over a breakfast of fish one spring morning with a man that he denied ever knowing. It is then that you begin to perceive what it means to be one of ten brothers standing before Joseph, David in front of the altar, a tax collector coming down from a tree, or a condemned thief asking to be remembered. It is only then that you can fully appreciate the truth in the words The Master uttered when He said, "He who has been forgiven much loves much."

Those who are strong enough to forgive as well as those who are weak enough to know that they need to be forgiven understand the cost and value of grace and mercy that will never be known to the proud and the self-righteous.

The question that comes next and the one that has been the question of the church to the world for the last two thousand years is, "Will you accept it?"

Yo Mama

For those of you who haven't noticed, I've added a new link to a blog called Faintnot's Frenzy. This is Bekah's mom's blog. She is part of a really effective street ministry here in Vegas and she just began blogging not that long ago. Go check here out and show her a little love.

In honor of her blog I feel another list is in order, so here are the ten things I like about Bekah's mom (in no particular order):

1. She spends every Friday feeding the homeless, both physically as well as spiritually. I think a lot of us "doing church" have forgotten the First Council of Jerusalem's urging to Paul not to forget the poor, myself included.

2. She can burp a baby just by looking at it the right way.

3. She's always looks very happy whenever I see her and I don't remember her ever cussing me out.

4. She's not an arsonist.

5. She gave birth to and raised one of the coolest people I know. Oh, and Bekah too!

6. She prayed for my son after she watched how I make his bottles.

7. Her dog hugged me once.

8. She's been through some hard trials in her life that would have shaken the faith of many, yet came through stronger for it.

9. She introduced Bekah to the guitar. Our worship team is indebted to her for that act, it wouldn't be the same having a kazoo led service.

10. She actually reads my blog on a regular basis. Let's face it, anyone who listens to my ramblings and comes back for more can't be that bad of a person.

I'll Miss You Most Of All Scarecrow

But It's So Big

Things that you are sure to find at Wal-Mart:

1. A bin the size of a VW Bug full of $3.99 movies that doesn't contain a single DVD that you'd pay a dollar for.

2. Someone wearing pajamas.

3. That the ratio of children to adults in the store is never below 3/1.

4. An old man at the door who will take eight minutes checking that your receipt matches the tube of toothpaste you just bought, while six people carrying major electronics slip out the door behind him.

5. That the items in the jewelry department look suspiciously similar to the things in fifty cent vending machines that you passed on the way in.

6. Bathrooms that make a port-a-potty look like a five star hotel.

7. One guy wondering if saving a couple bucks is really worth all this.

On Not Working

I spent the whole day at work today trying to fix problems that just couldn't be fixed. They were the things I worked with all last week, things that are waiting for a doctor or an insurance to approve or for someone to pay. These are things I can't do anything with but keep checking on while waiting for someone else to handle the problem.

This doesn't make for fun days at work. I like to feel like I've accomplished something at the end of the day. I want to feel like I've made a difference by being there. I don't like the idea of walking away after nine hours with next to nothing to show for it.

It's the same way with things in life. I want to fix every problem I come across when I come across it. I want to be able to tell people what to do to make the church grow and see it happen the next Sunday. I want to be able to say the words that help people with what they are going through and have their lives' be better the next day. I want life to be like the sitcom problems that are solved in 30 minutes.

That's not how life works, though. Most of the time you just have to do everything you can do and then wait for the one with the ability to fix things to work. This means I have to be okay with just being there sometimes, even when I don't feel like I'm doing anything productive. I don't always like it, but when the problems finally do get fixed, it's awesome to have been there waiting for it.

Food With Paper In It

I had Panda Express for diner tonight. One of the things I like about eating Chinese is the fortune cookie at the end. When I first became a Christian I would never read them because I thought that would be like practicing witchcraft, but now I just enjoy them for the oddity that they are. Most of them could hardly be considered "fortunes" they are more like happy wishes. I usually get ones that say things like, "You have a charming personality," or "You will enjoy the company of a seldom seen friend," or even "Saving your money is wise." It's kinda a let down when you think about it.

Here are some fortunes I would like to see in some cookies (but maybe not my own):

1. You will be attacked by wild otters soon.
2. Somewhere people are laughing at you right now.
3. Your mother will marry a one eyed stranger with a limp.
4. Beware of the cob salad.
5. I see cotton in your near future.
6. It's not just a rash.
7. She's lying to you.
8. Walking backwards will bring you great riches.
9. Try again later.
10. You look fat in those pants.
11. That wasn't pork.
12. Leave your wallet on the table and walk out slowly.
13. You are about to forget something important.
14. It's not just you.
15. Death waits in the parking lot.

29

Today I turned 29. As birthdays go this has been a nice one. Autumn made me breakfast this morning, Bekah decorated my desk and took me to lunch, Saturday we'll probably get together with all my friends for dinner. Not a bad way to come into the last year of my twenties.

My birthdays used to be strange for me since I found out that I was adopted. I used to find myself wondering if there were people out there who thought about me on this day and would say something like, "You know, Shaun turned this old today." I guess I was just wondering if they remembered or cared.

Today I didn't find myself thinking about that. I have found my own family, put together of people that I would never have expected to play the large roles in my life that they have when I first met any of them. It's funny how the people that you'd never expect can become so important, while those who are supposed to be there aren't. I wouldn't trade them for anyone. Blood might be thicker than water, but life is more than either.

God is busy restoring those things that have been lost, even when we can't see the sense or reason in our day to day lives.

In other news, this months makes for 13 years of me following Jesus (and by following I mean going all over the place while periodically catching up with). The last 13 years have been a strange journey and I expect the next will be even stranger, but I wouldn't change it for anything. In a lot of ways I feel like I'm back at the beginning, knowing so little about God, but trying to trust Him so much. It's odd how much of life feels like a circle.

Nothing Left to Prove

I've been without Internet for awhile due to the whole moving into a new house thing. Things have been really crazy lately with all the new changes in my life, but I am really happy where I am for now.

I have a confession though. The one thing in my life that bothers me right now is the whole lead pastor thing. I don't like preaching. If I was being totally honest, I haven't been excited about preaching in well over a year, even before the church plant. It worried me at first, but I thought that when we started the church my passion for it would return and it never did. I'm not supposed to feel this way, right?

I used to love doing it, but really I think the real reason why I loved it was that I loved proving to people that God could use me. My whole Christian life has been people telling me what I can't do and God using me anyway. They told me I would never make it as a youth leader, never make it through college, never make it as a pastor, never plant a church and yet by the grace of God I've done all these things, even if not so well. Ever time I pulled through on something that people thought I'd fail at I felt like I proved that God was with me no matter what people thought about me. I think I was really trying to prove to myself that God was with me no matter what I thought about myself. I guess in the end it all came down to pride.

So here I am feeling like I have nothing left to prove. I have finally came to the realization that no matter who you are or how messed up your life is, God can still use you. Thus, why I am I so surprised that God has used me? As for other people, I don't no why I should care what they think anyway, the people that really matter in my life are going to be there if I fail or succeed, the rest can think about me what they wish.

The problem is that I don't feel like a very good lead pastor now. I don't like preaching, I'm not much of a people person, and I don't have much available time for church things through out the week. I feel like I need more time to straighten everything out, like I'm too young and not experienced enough. Yet, here I am running a church that God placed me over despite myself.

That's the thing that gets me, no matter how much of a mess I might be, it doesn't seem to worry God that much. I don't know if I should be a pastor or not, yet I know God has placed me here for now. So if you'll excuse me, I have a message to write.

Bring on the Morgage!

I got the keys to my new house today. I've spent the last four hours packing and now I'm beat. I'm looking forward to being in the new place, but tomorrow is going to be a lot of hard work. I think I'm going to take a break for the rest of the night, I still have to get a message ready for Sunday and it's been a crazy week.

There are a lot of scary things in my life right now with the new house, new church and new job. The strange thing is I'm not that afraid right now and I'm the happiest I've been in a long time. I could worry about losing the house or burning down the church or I could have faith in that I know I'm right where I'm suppose to be with the people I'm suppose to be with.

Being in California last week reminded me of when I first moved down there years ago. I was starting so many new things at that time that it felt overwhelming, but I knew that was where I was meant to be so I stuck through it. I made mistakes there (one of them involving a newspaper called The Daily Breeze) and at times it looked like we were going to lose everything, but I kept my faith in that I was were I was supposed to be and I stuck with the people that I knew God placed with me and we made it.

I really don't know what's going to happen with the church or life in general the next few years. I'm just going to try and take comfort in where I'm at right now and enjoy it. Hey, if everything falls apart there's always California and The Daily Breeze.

I'm Back

I'm back from vacation and just to let you know, I had an awesome time. I went to the beach everyday, saw a zoo, watched a movie, played some cards, and basically did a whole lot of nothing. I'm going to go ahead and label this my best vacation ever.

Every other vacation I ever took I had my mind on things back home and no matter how much fun I had I was always ready to get back when it was time to leave. This time I didn't think about Vegas at all, I left the church in Jason's hands and left work to just pile up and wait for me to get back. I even left my phone in the hotel room one day! When it was time to go I didn't want to leave and I felt a little sad that I wouldn't see nice weather again for awhile.

I have to go back to work tomorrow and there is a new sermon that I need to write, but it won't be so bad. I feel renewed and I'm ready to face Vegas once again come Monday, but as for tonight, I think I'm just going to start reading the last Harry Potter and spend some time remembering the really great things about this last weekend.

Californication

Tomorrow will be my last day of work before I go on vacation. I'm heading out to California to visit my old friend, the beach. It's a funny thing going back to California to relax, seeing how it was the place that nearly destroyed me. I felt so tired, alone, and disillusioned those four years I lived and went to school there, that you'd think I'd never want to see that place ever again, much less have a four day vacation there. The truth is that no matter how much I talk about how bad my college years were, there were some very good things that occurred during the those four years that makes me say I don't regret moving to California and I would do it again if I had to.

The Good Things California Gave Me:

1. Friends - If it wasn't for California I would've never met Bekah, Jason, or Maylene. My life wouldn't be the same without them and I can't even think about how miserable their lives would be if they never met me.

2. My priorities - I found out what is worth hanging around for and what should be let go of during my time down there. I lost a lot of my religion, but I found true faith and purpose.

3. The Beach - Oh, so many sick days were spent getting better on the sand.

4. Confidence - The thing about having everything falling apart all around you all the time is that you start to realize what your made of and who is holding you up. It sounds cliche, but sooner or later you begin to realize that no matter what happens God will be there in the morning.

5. Nature - Growing up in Las Vegas I never knew there were places where green plants grew and animals could come out in the day time without bursting into flames.

There are a few more, but that's enough for right now, I need to pack. I'll let you know how it goes next week, but till then I'll be on the sand once more.

O.W.L.S.

I watched the new Harry Potter movie last night. I had heard a lot of people say that this one wasn't that great, but I think it did a pretty good job considering it was pressing a 500 some page book into a little over two hours.

There were a lot of themes that the book touched on that had to be left out of the movie, but there was one thing that I loved about the book that I thought the movie did a great job capturing. Harry spends this whole year feeling alone and dwelling on the hurts in his past and the fear of what his future will bring. In the end he realizes that his friends have always been there for him and when thinks are at the darkest they are right there by his side. Furthermore, he finds that this is the one thing that makes him different than his enemy, he knows what it is to be loved.

Planting a church can be a scary thing and it's easy to feel alone, but God sends those people that will be there for you. This church would never had made it this far if it hadn't been for the people God has placed with me. If it grows and thrives it will be because of them, if it all falls apart I know there will be people there with me to pick up the pieces. This makes it doable. There is a peace that comes from knowing that no matter what tomorrow brings, you are not alone.

Ode to a Truck

Today is a sad day. I found out that the U-Haul truck that we've been using to transport our gear back and forth is no more. We will now be using a newer truck with less miles and less wear. Up until today our "church" truck was a 10 year old U-Haul with about 300,000 miles on it. It was covered with graffiti and scratches. The A/C hardly worked and the ramp took amazing acts of strength to retract everyday. Yet, it never failed us. Every Sunday we had it it did its job.

In a way I think that truck fit our church just right. Here's to you old friend, rest well, you've earned it.

Revisting The Past

I tried a Big Mac today and although I'm not a huge McDonald's fan and I don't understand the third bun in the middle it, I have to say that I see why it's so popular. I had one once as a kid and didn't like it, so I'd never tried it again until today. It's kinda nice to rediscover something that you wrote off long ago.

I recently did the same thing with coffee. I used to drink it back in high school, but over the years I just stopped and forgot about it altogether. I tried it a couple months ago and it was like looking up an old friend that I never fully appreciated before. Although I'm taking a break from coffee right now, I'm really happy I have a new morning friend there when I need it.

This led me to think about other things I haven't tried since I was a kid that might deserve a revisit:

1. Acid Wash Jeans
2. A Big Wheel
3. Watching Charles in Charge
4. Chasing Girls with Doo-Doo on a Stick
5. Slip and Slide
6. Listening to M.C. Hammer
7. Playing Street Fighter
8. Trick or Treating
9. Feety Pajamas
10. Shoes with Velcro and He-Man on the sides

What Did You Do Last Saturday?

Yesterday, was 7-7-07. This was the day that everyone wanted to get married. The MGM did 63 weddings and I lost 12 hours of my Saturday joining couples together in the joys of matrimony. What made it even stranger was that on the same floor I was performing weddings there was a martial arts convention going on. My day was filled with ninjas and bridesmaids.

By time my last wedding rolled around at 10 pm I was beat (not by the ninjas) and didn't want to think about weddings anymore. I have to say I'm done with weddings for awhile. I have a few more to do this year, but I'm being very selective about what ones I take from now on. This was nice as it will more than pay for my family vacation this year, but the time with my family and friends is a little more important to me right now than money.

I have a month before my next wedding and I think I need it. The brides and black belts will have to get along without me until then.

Screw It, Let's Go Watch TV

So, I've been stressed out over my sermons lately. I'm one of those guys who likes to have his sermon down to the tiniest detail. I like to have days to think out my illustrations, look for the right texts, and find just the right transitions and flow.

All of this was no problem when I had weeks to get my messages ready, but now things are a little different. I get up at 5am and don't get home from work until about 4:30pm. Then, I take care of my 2 year old and my newborn until I get them both to sleep somewhere around 9pm if I'm lucky. This leaves me about a half an hour to an hour of alone time before I have to be in bed for my seven hours of sleep before the next day of work. This means that the only time I really have for getting my sermon ready is Saturday, which happens to be my only real day off. For the last couple of months I've been locking myself away on Saturday from morning until sometime in the late afternoon to get my messages ready.

So basically, I was working straight through the week and still not feeling my messages were good enough. The idea of preaching has been weighing on me through out the week. I started getting easily bothered by things that never have bothered me before. I began to dread the weekends. Can you imagine wishing it wasn't Friday sometimes?

This Saturday I woke up dreading the day because my sermon was no where near done. I decided I'd had enough of this and planed to do something about it. First, I forgot about my sermon and hung out with my family for a few hours. Next, I continued to forget about working on my sermon and instead went and hung out with my pastoral staff, aka my best friends, and told them what was going on with me. Then, we went and loaded the church truck and continued to hang out and do nothing for the next four hours. Then, I had to perform a wedding, but I decided to take my family with me and after I was done, we went out to dinner together. We went home and instead of worrying about the sermon that I put off all day, I went to sleep. That's right, I managed a real day off and it wasn't a half bad one at that.

I woke up this morning planning on taking the amount of sermon I had done and going off to work on it alone after we set up and while the band was practicing, like I always do on the Sundays I preach. This didn't go quite as I planned it. It was Bekah's first Sunday leading vocally for us and as I was about to go down the hall and I noticed that she seemed a little nervous. I thought about it for a second and decided I should just hang out in the cafeteria and listen to her instead. I don't think it helped her at all, she was doing awesome and she had Tyson and Autumn there listening to her anyway, but it just felt like it was more important for me as a Pastor and a friend to be there showing support, rather than to work on a sermon that may or may not come together anyway. So, I said screw the sermon.

When, it was time I went up and preached. It went fine. I said what needed to be said. I didn't fall apart. No one lost their salvation.

I'm going to try not to stress about my messages anymore. I'm going to use the half and full hours I get during the weeknights to work on them and I'm going to take real days off. My sermons might not be the masterpieces I want them to be, but I think they will be better if I actually have a life to talk about. They might be a little shorter than what I'm used to, but I talk too much anyways. There are more important things than having the perfect sermon. The imperfect ones will have to do.

Almost Done

I went and looked at my new house tonight. The floors are in as well as the counter tops and lights. I should be moving in less than a month. Everything looks real good so far, we were afraid that the colors we picked out were going to look strange together, but we're pretty happy now that we've seen them in the house.

With the move and our vacation to California coming up, the end of July should be fun. Even with the 120 degree heat.

Mmmm... TPS Reports

I've been catching up on the episodes of The Office I don't remember or haven't seen. I'm going to finish season two tonight and watch season one sometime later this week. I also need to watch the movie Office Space again soon.

I have a new appreciation for office comedy since I started working in an office myself. It's kinda fun to think about how work throws you together for 40+ hours a week with people who you'd never be with normally. The characters on the office may be exaggerated, but if you've worked in an office, you know that it's not by too much.

I wonder what character I'm most like. As long as it isn't Dwight I think I'm alright.

Four Days

I've had the last four days off. I mean really off. I didn't go to work, I didn't have any weddings, and Jason preached this Sunday. The only things I did that could be counted as work was loading/unloading the truck, doing a little packing for our big move, and helping Tyson and Bekah hang vertical blinds and install kitchen lights (the former was a success, the latter not so much). The rest of the extended weekend was spent with my family or hanging out with my friends doing my favorite thing, nothing.

A little time off is a good thing. It keeps you from going insane and hurting someone who probably deserves it. I've got a couple busy weeks ahead of me, but then I'll be taking off another four days next month to go to California and see my friend the beach for a little while. I think my sanity can stay intact until then.

Meanwhile, I'm going to keep working on a plan to invent something that will enable me to retire at 30. Unfortunately, until I get the kinks worked out of the car that runs off coffee grinds, it looks like I'll have to settle for the four day weekends.

Sticks and Stones...

Anyone who gets to know me finds out pretty quick that I'm the type of guy that will joke about anything. I've gotten myself into trouble a few times for saying something about someone who'd passed away or joking about something that was apparently taboo. I've always felt that anything that can be laughed at can be survived and life's more fun when you can make fun of everything around you. This means that if you are one of my close friends then chances are we've talked a lot of trash about everything from each others mothers to eating habits.

Amazing as it may seem though, I do have some boundaries. I was talking today about how, I've never felt right joking with the women in my life about their appearance or intelligence. That's right I have no problem teasing my wife about her mother being dead, but in nine years of marriage I've never jokingly called her stupid or teased her about anything in regards to her physical appearance. When the couples I marry ask for my advice on marriage I tell them to be careful what you say when you joke or fight, because words can do more damage to people than actions.

So why only women? Good question. Words hurt men as well, God knows there have been times in my life when I've carried around what someone has said about me way too long, but I think it's a little different with women. Now, I don't claim to know anything about women, I'm not that chivalrous or romantic and I'm sure I say the wrong things a lot, but after twenty-eight years of living, working, being married to, and friends with women I've noticed one thing. Little comments, even said jokingly, tend to pop up in their minds later to cause them doubt far more often than it does with men.

I know some of you might think I'm making too big of a deal about this and that's fine. This is my conviction and I don't expect it to be anyone else's. If this means that the girls in my life get to take a few more jabs at me with out me retorting back then the men do, then fine, but it's a small price to pay to keep them feeling good about themselves. Now, as for the rest of the stuff about women, I'm still trying to figure that out.

Father?

Fathers' Day was never a very special holiday for me. It might be because I grew up without a dad. Not having a dad as a kid sucks, but what's worse is having to deal with your mom's boyfriends. They were always some old dudes missing body parts and working jobs like landscaping and horse grooming (when they actually had jobs). I always wished my mom could've dated and married cool guys so that I'd have a dad you could be proud of, not one who you found sleeping off a fifth of Jack in your front yard on Thursday morning. So in honor of the holiday here are a list of guys that I think it would be cool to have as a dad:

1. Ozzy - Hey if your going to have some stoned guy you can't understand as your dad, you might as well go for the gusto.

2. Billy Dee Williams - Because who wouldn't want Lando for a dad?

3. Elton John - Because it would confuse him as much as everyone else.

4. Brad Pitt - Hey, he's adopted so many kids, what's one more? Although it be a bit weird seeing my wife drool over my dad.

5. Jack Bauer - Although, he'd probably end up torturing me to save the world somehow.

6. Sean Connery - He could call me junior.

7. Prince - So I could barrow his clothes.

8. Antonio Banderas - Because a sexy man deserves a sexy son.

Hope

I've said before that for the first time in my life I feel like the future isn't written, or at very least I don't know it. Always before I had some kind of purpose that I felt I was working toward such as getting my degree or planting this church. Now, I feel like I'm no longer striving for some place, but rather I'm in it. Before, I always knew that God was bringing me to this place and one way or another I'd get here. Now, that I'm here I have no idea where I'm going to end up.

The funny thing about not knowing the future is that it can have one of two effects on you. Either you dread what's coming next because you doubt it can possibly be good or you look forward because you have the hope that it will be. Doubt and hope, this is what ever day you get out of bed comes down to.

Today was a good day. I believe tomorrow will be too and whereas I don't know what the next few months are going to bring in my life, I'm looking forward to them. I know I'm right where I'm needed and there is hope in that.

Waiting to Die

I was sitting in my cubicle today thinking about the patients our pharmacy provides medicine for. We take care of the drug orders for long term care and hospice patients, so it is a common thing to have a few of our people to die each day. There is a big difference in the way doctors give out medicine to someone in hospice care verses someone else.

In regular care the doctor's goal is to help prevent or cure diseases, or at least treat it so the person has a high quality of life. In hospice care the disease has already won, death is coming it's just a matter of when. In hospice care the doctors will write prescriptions for doses of pain medicine that would damage a normal person liver, but when you and your liver are going to be dead in 6 months no matter what it matters little. The goal becomes to keep a person as comfortable as possible until they die.

It made me think about how most of us live by hospice rules. We are just trying to keep ourselves as comfortable as possible while we wait to die. This means avoiding pain at all costs while seeking after whatever takes our minds off the discomfort for a little while. For most people this leads to seeking after money and things, and just like narcotic pain killers, you always need more in bigger doses to keep comfortable.

I think I have more to say about this, but it'll have to wait for now.

Two Weeks Free

I don't have any weddings to do for two weeks! This will be the first Saturday I've had free since the beginning of March. This means I haven't had a weekend free from weddings since we launched the church. Weddings are a nice form of income, but I really need some time off.

The bad news is that on 7-7-07 I'm doing 11 weddings and might have to do as many as 12. It's not going to be fun to spend 12 hours at the MGM on a Saturday, but after that I'm cutting down to doing just one wedding a month or so.

It's funny to think about how four years ago when I first moved to Vegas weddings were such scary things to me. I would practice my ceremony for hours at a time before a wedding always worried that I was going to make a mistake. I dreaded each wedding and was relieved when they were over.

Now I can go through my entire ceremony without thinking about it. I still dread doing weddings and are relived when they are over, but now it's for different reasons. It's funny how the things that scare you can become mundane.

Yard Sales

I remember once in California we had a church yard sale to raise money for the youth group to go to camp. We asked everyone in the church to bring whatever they didn't want anymore so that we could sell it to make some cash. I was shocked at the things that people actually brought thinking that we would want to touch it, let alone try to sell it to someone.

For those of you who are thinking about donating items to your church's yard sale this year, here are somethings you might not want to give:

1. Used underwear, especially if it's a thong.
2. Polaroids of your family
3. Porn
4. Old thermometers and I'm not talking about the oral kind.
5. Socks that have holes in the toes larger than a quarter.
6. Broken eye glasses.
7. Used toothbrushes.
8. Your daughter's dairy.
9. Prescription medication.
10. Your old retainer.
11. Half full bottles of Pert Plus.
12. Books of completed crossword puzzles.
13. Bedpans.
14. Ceral.
15. 100 pens each one completely out of ink.

You think I'm kidding. I wish I was.

To Speak Truth

I noticed something today. Words do a bad job capturing truth (or maybe just my words do). I spend every week using words to try to convince people of what I know to be true, but what makes preaching hard isn't finding the truth, it's finding the words that convey that truth. When I try to get someone around me to see what I see and they can't I usually just end up sounding awkward and repeating myself a lot (kinda like I do when I blog). It's funny, after all these years preparing sermons and preaching you'd think I'd be better at using words, yet they still fail me.

Maybe, though, words can't perfectly convey truth, only give us a taste of it. Anyone who has tried to explain what they think heaven is like can probably understand what I'm trying to say, your heart has an idea, but your mind can't form the words to explain it. There are so many things you can see or feel, but can never seem to say.

You might be asking, "What about Scripture, are the words of God imperfect?" Yes and no. God's Word is perfect, yet scripture is God's Word in human words. Think about John 3:16. God so loved the world that He gave His only son is true, but those words can't even begin to capture the truth of what they are saying. That is why ever since God has started speaking to people he has used other people to explain His Words, this is what every pastor who speaks is called to do, explain God's Words by using their own. This is a crazy thought, imperfect men and women using imperfect words to explain not quite perfect words that are trying to explain perfection.

So this is the job I find myself in, trying to explain what I know and never getting it quite right. When it comes to explaining the perfect, the only thing I can do is keep using my imperfect words over and over again in the hopes that through repetition and brief glances people will start to see what I see and start to know what I know. It's how I learned what is true...it's how I'm still learning. Maybe when we get to heaven the tongues of angels will be adequate enough to allow me to say the things I want to say, but until then this will have to do.

Okay, I think I've been deep enough for one week. Time to get back to making lists about how sexy I think am.

Life...

So, my wife might quit her job and do the stay home and baby sit thing. This is cool with me she can make enough money to keep us alive and she'll be able to be off when everyone else is, which is something I know she'll enjoy. Another plus is that now we won't have to cancel our Santa Barbara trip (I miss the beach).

Speaking of California, this weekend marks the four year anniversary of me and Autumn leaving California to move back to Vegas. I remember how hard it was to leave the people I cared about and how the future was so uncertain. Now, four years later the church has been planted and most the people I care about are now with me again.

It's funny what four years can bring. I'm looking forward to the next four.

Feeling Cocky Again

I was depressed last week. This is a strange thing for me because if anything I tend to be overly optimistic. I can't remember the last time I was depressed, it must of been way back in college (those were depressing days if I ever saw any). I think it was a mixture of lack of sleep, the inability to control every situation in my life, and a little self-doubt (okay maybe a lot of self-doubt).

The funny thing about it is, I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life. So many great things have happened in the last two months that I really feel like I'm the luckiest man in the world, my son being born, the church plant starting, getting out of debt, starting a new job at Bekah's work just when I needed it, and watching our first home being built, just to name a few. It's funny how you can let fear and doubt keep you from enjoying the best things in your life.

I realized I over analyze things too much and I need to enjoy each day I'm given. This week I feel my confidence returning and I think I'll be back to normal by tomorrow or the next day (well, what passes for normal for me anyway).

Heat

We had some problems getting the air on in the school for our service times in the past, but we talked to some people and got it fixed. The last few Sundays have been really good temperature wise which is a good thing since we've been climbing into the 100's here in Vegas lately. Today, however, was another story.

We we got to the school this morning we noticed that the hum of the the AC units that we have grown to love was nowhere to be heard. When we got into the school our fears were confirmed by the oppressive heat that awaited us inside. Fortunately we had thought ahead and brought fans with us for just such a situation. The fans made it bearable, but not perfect.

I'm thinking that this was just a paperwork error since we had to refile our lease agreement with the school this week. I hope it's on next week because it's only getting hotter here.

To give you an idea of how hot it is, here is a list of the only things hotter than the school without AC:

1. Hell
2. The inside of a 1976 LTD Ford parked in the Vegas dessert in August (childhood flashback)
3. The inside of a incinerator used for cremations
4. Me with my shirt off
5. The Sun

Move

My house is almost finished. I figure in about a month I should be moving. I like the idea of going through things and figuring out what I need and what I don't. It feels good to get rid of useless junk and see what new things I need to buy that I've been putting off for awhile. It's amazing how much stuff we hold on to that serves no purpose. My wife gets scared sometimes because she things that I'm getting rid of things we might need one day, but my response is that we can always get a new one if that is true. I'm one of those people that can only be bothered by so much.

This is kinda like the reason people told me I'd fail at this church plant. I had a pastor once tell me that I would never make it as a pastor because the only thing I cared about was my friends. That's a bit of an understatement, but it isn't that far off from the truth. I care about more things than just my friends and family, its just that I decided that I won't sacrifice those two things so that I can carry around everything that the world ( or the church) thinks I should care about.

I've been thinking about the times in my life that my friends needed me and I was there, whether because they needed help moving, or had a big event in their lives, or just needed someone to be there when they were hurt. I realized that at those times if I would've been made to choose between being there for the people that I love who needed me or being there for the church as an organization, the church would lose.

I think this makes me a bad pastor. I think this means that it is beyond me ability to have have a large church. I think all the people who told me that this is why I would fail might be right, but I just don't care.

I have watched countless pastors sacrifice their friends and family for the "church" until they are alone despite being surrounded by people and I just can't do that. I have failed the people I love many times in my life and I will keep failing them, but if I'm going to spend time and energy in one area of my life this will be it. I believe God put the people who are close to me in my life for a reason and I won't throw that away so that I can handle more stuff that doesn't really matter.

When you move to a new place you have to decide what can be replaced and what can't. I've made my choice.

Rough Night

I'm going a little crazy tonight. Both my kids are screaming at me because they don't want to sleep, my phone won't stop ringing with people that want me to do strange things, and I have a sermon that I'm trying to write before bed in an hour. I want to find a corner and hide.

Free Food

This Sunday The Venue is having its first Memorial Day Barbecue. We are going to cancel the regular church service and just eat some ribs. So far we have a lot of people that would never go to a normal church service signed up to come because there friends invited them to a barbecue. We are just going to eat and get to know each other better and maybe a couple of people will want to give the church thing a chance after hanging out with us for an hour or two.

On the other side of it, it's nice for us because we only have to load and unload 10% of our gear and the only sound we have to set up is the stuff for house music. This should give the team a well deserved break this Sunday and make it so we can all enjoy our three day weekend a little more.

Thank God For Razors

Multipule choice, is this:

A) A picture of me after I got out of the joint.
B) Another one of my not so great ideas in Bible College.
C) Just one more reason why so many women are jealous of my wife.
D) Your pastor.