It's been awhile

So, I took six months off from blogging. I needed to just be quiet for awhile, I was done wrestling with God about everything and just felt like I had entered the gray area of waiting for what was going to happen next. God seemed like He was being mostly quiet and so, I decided to shut up for awhile too. The whole reason I started blogging was to give myself a place where I could organize my thoughts and allow myself to look back on them later yet I was in a place where I didn't feel like I had anything worth reflecting on. I've no doubt lost those handful of loyal readers that for some reason read this thing every week; to them I say, "sorry." Yet talking to yourself is a good way to begin things anew, I think. Anyways, it's always been my habit to speak with the most intelligent person in the room first.

I guess the biggest thing that's been weighing on me lately is the knowledge that it is about time to enter ministry again. Not necessarily pastoral ministry, I plan to let my license expire this year, but just doing something. I've felt it every Sunday that I've been at church for the last couple months, that feeling that I have a place to fill and I won't be complete until I find it. So, when my student teaching is done in seven weeks, I plan on saying the most dangerous words that anyone can say to their pastor; "Where do you need me?"

Over the years I've came to one sad fact about my life: I have been created to be there for people. The reason why this is sad is because I am very antisocial, introverted, overly critical, sarcastic, suspicious of ulterior motive, and uncompassionate in general. In short, I have a really hard time caring about most people. How was I ever a pastor? It wasn't my doing, trust me. Autumn says maybe I'll get lucky and get placed in a position like usher. She's a sweet girl.

To care about people is to set yourself open to being disappointed, attacked, and/or hurt. But then I remember Jesus, and I think it might be time for me to grow up and get over myself.