Complaint Psalm

I was forgotten about today.

I was warned about how lonely you can feel as a pastor, but I never thought that it would happen to me. I thought I was too surrounded by people, too emotionally strong, maybe even too blessed by God. Long story short, I was wrong.

I remember feeling it come on for the first time months ago. It was the time my wife went back to work after having the baby. I was left with the two kids at night and that with the new job and the new church started to weigh on me. I remember standing in my friends' kitchen trying to explain what was going on with me and how difficult it had became for me to preach. They told me I wasn't by myself, they told me my preaching was fine, I got a hug. I started to feel better.

Tonight wasn't a big deal, and I know it's irrational for me to be sad about it, but isn't that the way demons work, whispering irrational things into your ears until the little things add up to a crushing weight?

I have found myself:

preaching community, yet feeling alone

teaching people to overcome sin, while I struggled with my own

trying to help people understand God, as I wrestle with Him myself

urging people to pray, although I cry out to God unanswered every night

The whole thing reeks of irony, or maybe just hypocrisy.

Either way, this is not self-pity, although I'm sure it sounds that way. I know I'll get through this the way I've been brought through dark places before.

I just want to give a warning to those of you in the beginning processes of planting a church. This has been one of the best things I've ever done , yet it has also been one of the darkest. Don't do this unless you know you've been called. If you have been called, God help you.

As for me, Though He slay me...