Staying Alive

Things I've learned from watching horror movies:

1. Any time you hear a strange noise coming from the basement and ask, "Jim is that you?" If Jim doesn't answer it's not him and it's probably not a good idea to go down there.

2. If you are an attractive and intelligent women your chances of survival are high. If you are only an attractive women your chances of being murdered first are high. If you are only an intelligent man you don't have a prayer.

3. Before going on a weekend outing to a secluded lake where many teenagers have been murdered years before you should probably have your car serviced, as they have a terrible time starting when you are being chased by homicidal maniacs.

4. Whenever one of your friends says, "We should split up." don't listen, that person is crazy and should be sent off by themselves because their stupidity is a danger to everyone.

5. When killing any type of monster, beast, or deranged killer make sure they are dead. I don't care if you shot it in the heart, stabbed it through the head, or ran over it with a train, until you cut it into little pieces and burn it to ash there is always a chance of it getting back up.

6. Never go back for a dog, cat, or even a kid. The only reason these things are around is so more people can get killed looking for them. If they turn up missing while something is on the loose killing people the best thing to do is get to the next country as soon as possible and wait for them to turn up later.

7. If the thing coming after you moves very slow such as a zombie, don't run, power walk. If you run from something slower than you, you will always fall down and for some reason not be able to get up fast enough before said thing catches up with you. It's better to travel at a moderate pace and keep it safe.

8. It's true, if you have premarital sex in a horror movie you'll die. If you are newly weds and have sex you'll still die (Not enough time has passed). If you want to have sex but no one will let you, you die (I think it makes you look perverted). The only people in horror movies aloud to have sex and live are couples that have been married a good number of years (Nobody cares what they're doing).

9. Killers will always use the strangest things for weapons but never firearms. You can leave all the rifles and handguns laying out if there is a psycho killer around, but make sure you lock up all the garden tools, home improvement items and the ice cream scooper.

10. If you suspect you might be in a horror movie never take a shower, look in a mirror, go in the attic, check the fuse box, pull sheets off furniture, or open a door behind which you heard strange sounds. None of these things are known to turn out well for the parties involved.