Never Blog When Tired

I will have been a believer for thirteen years come this August. I've seen some of the best things the church has to offer as well as some of the worst. I've seen many churches, overwhelmed with the mission they been given, trying to be everything that they think God wants and anything that they think people need...

relevant,
holy,
intelligent,
hip,
professional,
traditional,
modern,
causal,
trendy,
political,
environmental,
outspoken,
unique.

In the last thirteen years I've been guilty of most of this and more. In knowing that I wasn't who I was suppose to be I tried continuously to become what I was never meant to be. I conformed to something that I thought everyone would be proud of, holding it out for all to see, just to have God ignore it and the lost to take one look and walk away. The only ones who approved were those playing the same game.

Then eight years ago I moved to California, thinking that I could perfect the game there, but something else happened. In the four years I spent there and the four years after in planting this church everything began to break. My assumptions, my philosophy, my worldview, even my faith. Some of it broke apart fast. Most of it came apart slowly, manifesting when I wasn't paying attention, like cracks in the walls that tell of an unsafe foundation.

So, here I stand eight years later, a different person than the one that left here all those years ago. I can't play the game anymore, I'm too tired for that. My faith has been put back together. I know there are pieces missing, either I'll find them along the way or I won't. I don't think it matters. I've never been more unsure of myself, yet at the same time, I'm totally confident in what I'm doing.

If none of this makes sense to you, don't worry, it doesn't always make sense to me either.

It's not always pretty, but here I am being who I've become, becoming who I am.