Nothing Left to Prove

I've been without Internet for awhile due to the whole moving into a new house thing. Things have been really crazy lately with all the new changes in my life, but I am really happy where I am for now.

I have a confession though. The one thing in my life that bothers me right now is the whole lead pastor thing. I don't like preaching. If I was being totally honest, I haven't been excited about preaching in well over a year, even before the church plant. It worried me at first, but I thought that when we started the church my passion for it would return and it never did. I'm not supposed to feel this way, right?

I used to love doing it, but really I think the real reason why I loved it was that I loved proving to people that God could use me. My whole Christian life has been people telling me what I can't do and God using me anyway. They told me I would never make it as a youth leader, never make it through college, never make it as a pastor, never plant a church and yet by the grace of God I've done all these things, even if not so well. Ever time I pulled through on something that people thought I'd fail at I felt like I proved that God was with me no matter what people thought about me. I think I was really trying to prove to myself that God was with me no matter what I thought about myself. I guess in the end it all came down to pride.

So here I am feeling like I have nothing left to prove. I have finally came to the realization that no matter who you are or how messed up your life is, God can still use you. Thus, why I am I so surprised that God has used me? As for other people, I don't no why I should care what they think anyway, the people that really matter in my life are going to be there if I fail or succeed, the rest can think about me what they wish.

The problem is that I don't feel like a very good lead pastor now. I don't like preaching, I'm not much of a people person, and I don't have much available time for church things through out the week. I feel like I need more time to straighten everything out, like I'm too young and not experienced enough. Yet, here I am running a church that God placed me over despite myself.

That's the thing that gets me, no matter how much of a mess I might be, it doesn't seem to worry God that much. I don't know if I should be a pastor or not, yet I know God has placed me here for now. So if you'll excuse me, I have a message to write.